Hi Nana,
I know it's been just more than a day, and I can't really hold it anymore. Not the part where I break down. I just... I miss you. Not just talking to you, but you. Your presence, your comfort, the little things that make you, you.
A single note couldn't cover everything, but here it is. Everything I wrote heartfully, not with work pressure, tensions or anything else in my head. Just you.
I have given you a very tough, actually the worst week of your life.
And I think it's time I tell you that I finally understand why.
When you were getting triggered over anything I did that was hurting you, all I saw was, "Why is she firing up always, even for a little thing?"
Me being your matti burra couldn't understand that you were really trying to be understood and not be seen as the one who starts a fight.
I couldn't understand that all this fighting was just because you wanted to be happy with me, to have each other as a comfort place.
I realise that you went through a lot trying to be understood, to be taken right for once.
All you wanted was for me to be there whenever you were low. For me to just console you, hold you and calmly say:
"Nana, I really get you. I really know that this hurts you, and I am here. Let's make it better, and not just words this time. 🫂"
That was the least I could do.
And now I get it. I understand why you called me an asshole, dumb, immature guy. I support you in that.
You are really so strong to have handled things related to how I tortured you, living in a world where I thought just love and care were enough.
It kills me just to imagine your situation.
Every time you gathered all of yourself, trying to show up in front of your boy, wanting to hold him and cry in his arms, yet he just kept making it about how he was also going through a lot, shutting everything down.
All you needed was comfort.
Ears that needed to hear you.
Those arms to be wrapped around you.
Someone reassuring you that everything was going to be okay.
And I am an ass, really, for not being that person when you needed me.
There is nothing wrong with losing interest, comfort, even love when things are this bad and he is such a stupid person.
Yet, you stayed.
Even after it kept repeating like a cycle, you stayed, hoping that someday I could understand you, make you feel special and loved in the moments when you actually needed me.
You are right when you said showing love and care when everything is normal isn't an effort.
But when it's actually needed, where are you? What are you doing?
I stand with you in that.
All those sleepless nights, those tears of yours and that never-ending overthinking should have been so tough for you.
I get you.
This time, I really do.
You will only get it, you will only keep an effort when I leave, Nithin.
You were right.
Keeping an effort when everything is dead inside shows how lag-luster my brain is.
When I assured you that I would understand you and you opened up to me, and I was still behaving badly, it was like...
Not only handing you the tickets, I literally made you sit in a rollercoaster ride full of tears.
Inka ekkada ostadi emanna cheppukovali ana.
You are right in all the ways you fought for.
Really.
Let's talk about our past week.
When you fought with me for those two minutes of time, I felt like you were literally taking it too much.
But I couldn't get that it took you a lot just to come to me lovingly, wanting to be happy with me for some time at least.
Stupid me only saw that anger of yours.
I wish I had seen what was behind it.
I wish I had understood that you weren't asking for something extraordinary. You just wanted your boy to spend a little time with you, happily, without having to fight for it.
Yes, you are right when you said Cafe Bahar and Bawarchi are not dates.
That's true.
It would be fun if it was once or twice that we visited, but it's like we go there a lot. Why would it be a date?
When you spoke about those things, I felt you were expecting a lot.
But honestly, you were just wanting to have a happy day with me.
A day where we meet, explore, eat good food and actually have a good day.
Yes, that is a date.
Not a random biryani haul or going to some place and coming back home.
You just wanted your boy to take an initiative, plan a day for us and spend it together happily.
That really is a gesture of showing, not just saying, "We'll go, I'll plan."
You wanted to see the effort, not just hear about it.
And I wish I had understood that earlier.
When you said I always bring the same chocolate and think that's an effort, you were right.
It was not about those sneakers.
It was about that effort to stand there in front of that fridge, think about which one would make you happy this time, based on how your day was, what could make you feel good, and then get the right one.
Not always going to the same supermarket, grabbing those sneakers and getting back.
At this point, yes, you definitely know that I am bringing sneakers when we are meeting.
That's really a bummer of mine.
It was never about how much something cost.
It was about whether I thought about you before getting it.
When every restaurant is always the same one we went to, always the same food, same chocolate and same patterns, yes, it really gets boring at a point.
You would definitely feel that there should be something new now.
You were right when you said I wasn't keeping any effort and just doing things that were at my comfort.
I kept doing what was convenient for me, while you were hoping for something that would make you feel special.
And I understand the difference now.
In all these days, when we were fighting, I really couldn't see you from the inside.
You were just wanting to be understood, to be seen.
I just saw you arguing for every small thing.
But all you needed was for me to understand you, get you right and handle you.
I have been there, even when I did nothing, I have been there.
That's really not an effort.
Anyone would be just there saying, "Don't cry, wipe your tears, drink water."
You are right.
On top of it, I really made it worse each and every time.
It really was very hard for you to live with a dried-up tree which couldn't even provide you a shade.
You can call me a rock, a boulder.
I stood there, listening to you, yet doing nothing, as if you were talking to a wall.
You are right.
All you needed was your boy, someone who felt yours.
Someone whose arms felt like home.
Someone with whom you didn't have to explain why you were hurting.
Someone who wouldn't make you feel that your emotions were another problem to solve or another fight to deal with.
You just wanted to feel that you had someone.
And I should have been that someone.
Don't think you are wrong.
You were never wrong for wanting these things.
These are not high expectations.
It's the bare minimum.
I am saying it.
You think I changed a lot for you, sacrificed a lot, went through a lot for us?
You know what actual sacrifice is?
Your boy never really dressed well for you.
Your boy barely asked you to meet.
Your boy didn't get you anything.
Your boy didn't think to even treat you well.
Your boy who literally only cared about work.
Your boy who couldn't even understand you properly.
Your boy who wouldn't even do something, even after you asked for it lovingly.
Your boy who never really put in an effort not to repeat a mistake twice.
Seeing all these and more of them, and still hoping for good is a sacrifice.
Seeking your boy's arms even when you know it's not going to be comfortable is a sacrifice.
Trying to speak your emotions with him, knowing it's not going to end well, is a sacrifice.
Talking about your feelings with him when you know he wouldn't understand and get you right is a sacrifice.
Thinking about the things you want to do with me, knowing it's not going to happen between us, is a sacrifice.
Losing yourself to go to him is a sacrifice.
Loving him with all his flaws, even after everything happening, is a huge sacrifice.
You literally, literally are doing a lot in this relationship.
Nijanga.
And all you needed was just to be understood, taken care of and held.
Not occasionally.
Not only when everything was fine.
But especially when you were hurting.
You know, I keep thinking about all those moments when you came to me wanting comfort and ended up going back with more hurt.
I keep thinking about how many times you must have wanted to tell me something, but had to think twice before opening up.
How many times you must have wanted to be held, but instead found yourself explaining why you needed to be held.
How many times you must have wanted a simple, happy day with your boy, but somehow ended up fighting for it.
And I am sorry.
Not just for the arguments.
Not just for the things I said.
But for all those moments when you needed to feel loved and ended up feeling alone despite having me.
You deserved to feel special without having to ask for it every time.
You deserved to feel heard without having to raise your voice.
You deserved to be comforted without having to explain what comfort meant.
You deserved to have someone who thought about you, planned for you, noticed the little things about you and made you feel that you mattered.
I wish I had understood that love isn't just about being there.
It's about how you make someone feel when they need you the most.
And Nana, I am really sorry that I made you feel otherwise.
Do you know about the November theory?
They say November is a month of second chances, hoping for good to come.
I don't know how much of that is true.
But I do know that there are so many things I wish I could have done differently.
I am not asking you this time to forget everything and get back.
I am not asking you to pretend that nothing happened.
I am not asking you to forget those tears, those sleepless nights or everything you had to go through.
I just...
Would you meet me once?
Just once, Nana.
Not to force an answer out of you.
Not to convince you that everything will magically become better.
But to sit with you, listen to you, understand you and let you have the comfort you always wanted from me.
I have a million things more that I can't fit into just words.
And perhaps even these words aren't enough.
But I wanted you to know that I finally see things I should have seen a long time ago.
I know that understanding something now doesn't undo what you went through then.
And I know that words alone cannot make you feel safe again.
But I hope, at the very least, you can feel that I am not writing this to defend myself.
I am writing this because I finally understand how much you were trying.